Don’t Shrink
My apologies that it has been awhile since I have logged a post. Life has been lifing - if you know what I mean.
As the last post talked about, I am at the point in life where nothing fits.
The conversations are stale. The routines feel different. The places that felt safe, now no longer feel familiar. And the version of myself I have known for the past four years now feels too small.
If you are anything like me, you are overanalyzing what the heck is wrong… let me tell you first hand - it is nothing. You my friend, are just growing. You are shedding the old version of you, to step into who you are called to be.
This might feel like you are unhappy, you have lost your life direction, or maybe you feel like you have made a mistake, but cannot pinpoint what or where. Just because you are feeling discomfort isn’t always a sign that you or your life is falling apart - maybe it is evidence that you are growing.
We typically celebrate growth when it comes packaged all neatly as confidence, success, achievement, a promotion, etc. What we don’t talk about enough is the phase of stretching we go through beforehand. Stretching is uncomfortable, no matter who you are or what title you hold in this game we call life. The space between who you are and who you are becoming is not meant to make you question or doubt, even though it is really good at it. It is there to make you understand that things have to change and shift before you step into the life you have prayed for. I have said it once, and I will say it again - the old version of you cannot walk through the door opening for the new you.
You might catch yourself questioning things you have once accepted.
Outgrow or feel empty in environments you once loved.
Wanting and dreaming of more without fully understanding what ‘more’ looks like.
The discomfort comes from growth because it requires us to release things in life that once served us. Maybe it even saved you at one point. That save was a redirection, not the destination. That is a previous chapter, and we are now closing it to move onto the next - walk further into the plot line and journey of our lives. Every new chapter asks something of us:
Trust before - without proof
To move - before being ready
Release - before knowing what is next
This is a sign that you are being invited to something larger than this version of you. Something beautiful. Something you have prayed for. Something that requires you to let go of what no longer fits and trust God that he has it all planned out. You just have to let go, breathe, and grab his hand, while taking the steps forward.
Trust the process, even when you cannot see the outcome just yet.
REMINDER: if life feels like it is stretching you right now, don’t shrink back to make yourself fit into who you used to be. There is a reason the old you feels small and tight.
Grace in the Gap
The Messy Middle
Its temporary.
Sometimes, to get your life back, you have to face the death of what you thought life would look like - gut punch.
Almost four years later, I still sometimes catch myself replaying moments or conversations in my head thinking what I could have done or said differently. But then I shake myself out of it, take a step back and remember that where I am now is because that conversation was or wasn’t had or that moment was real and monumental, no matter how big or small. It is part of the bigger plan.
It is always easier to look at the negative and reflect on what could have been done differently, but flip the script and look at the positive. Yeah, my life currently does not look at all like I had hoped for, but there are things that have happened over the years that I need to thank God for that would have not happened if I was still where I was. My career. The people I have met. The men I have dated. The places I have been. The feelings I have felt. The prayers I have prayed. Again, all part of the bigger plan.
When you are uncomfortable, that means you are growing. You are breaking free, out of your shell, and life is stretching you beyond what feels familiar, predictable, and emotionally safe. Sometimes the most uncomfortable seasons are the ones that change you the most. What is this uncomfortable feeling trying to show you?
The version of you, no longer fits for your future self
Between chapters - with no clarity, yet
Being forced to slow down and face what you have been avoiding
Pushed to take the leap - fearing the change is going to keep you stagnant. Jump!
Comparison. Envy. You are finally releasing the tension of these two and allowing God’s plan for your to unfold
That’s the whole point of the messy middle: it’s temporary. It’s the hallway between who you were and who you are becoming. It’s the place where God does some of His quietest, most transformative work, often without giving you the clarity you think you need.
And when I start spiraling back into the “what ifs,” I remind myself that God has never once asked me to rewrite the past. He only asks me to trust Him with what’s ahead. “For I know the plans I have for you… plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
That verse hits differently when your life doesn’t look anything like you imagined. But maybe that’s exactly when it’s meant to. Because hope isn’t built in the moments that go according to plan—it’s built in the moments that break you open and force you to grow.
So if you are in that in‑between space - uncomfortable, stretched, unsure - don’t rush it. Don’t numb it. Don’t run from it. Let it shape you. Let it teach you. Let it strip away the version of you that can’t go where God is taking you next. The messy middle isn’t the end of your story. It’s the sacred ground where God prepares you for the chapter you can’t see yet.
Grace in the Gap -or- (The Messy Middle)
When Everything Feels like a Message
I am a believer in signs—angel numbers, white butterflies, shooting stars. I see them as gentle whispers from my angels throughout the day. But I’m also a realist. I know that sometimes they are God winks, and other times it is simply my subconscious manifesting what I want to see.
MANIFESTATION
PROTECTION
BRIGHT FUTURE
The Instagram posts that say the first three words you see are what you will receive for the rest of 2026. The tarot reader who feels like she is speaking directly to me, each card aligning perfectly with what I’m praying to hear. The monthly horoscope I reread because it describes my week—my day—to a tee. Even personality breakdowns start to feel like confirmation that I’m exactly where I need to be.
Part of me finds comfort in this. It feels hopeful—like my prayers are being heard and slowly (very slowly) unfolding the way I imagined. But if I’m honest, what I’m really searching for is permission. Permission to believe things are working out exactly how I want them to—my way, not God’s. Permission to feel like I’m not behind. Permission to feel protected, heard, chosen, and guided.
It is easier to trust words I read online than to trust myself. Easier to believe a stranger speaking about my future than to sit in the discomfort of the unknown.
But the truth is—I don’t need a sign to allow myself hope. I don’t need external validation to know my life is unfolding with meaning. “Bright future” isn’t something I needed to find in a word search; it’s something I’m actively building every day, one decision at a time.
The small winks still matter. They remind me that hope is alive, that my heart still has space for love and that alone can bring a smile to my face.
My life doesn’t need to be decoded.It just needs to be lived.
And if a white butterfly brings me peace because it reminds me of a prayer I once whispered, then so be it.
Just remember—prayer is rooted in belief, not proof.
“And whatever you ask for in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”(Matthew 21:22)
Dear Me…
To the version of me that feels stuck, behind, envious, & overlooked…
I see you
It has been hard to show up lately because it feels like everyone else is moving forward and you are standing still. The quiet comparisons, the questions, the moments where you wonder, ‘What am I doing wrong?’ It is heavy to feel like life is passing you by while you are still trying to figure it out. It is exhausting to carry both hope and doubt within the same heart.
Hear me when I say this -
You are not behind
You are not overlooked
You have not been forgotten
You are in a chapter that requires stillness, growth, and honesty. I know that it is not glamorous and it doesn’t get celebrated. No one claps for the quiet seasons where you are rebuilding yourself piece by piece. You are being redefined. The way you are building, learning, navigating your emotions instead of running from them, matters. Even if no one sees it during the process. The envy you feel - it does not make you a bad person or taint your heart. It just means that there is a deep desire in your heart and soul that unfortunately hasn’t been fulfilled yet. Don’t let it convince you that someone else’s life is proof that yours isn’t working or valuable.
This season isn’t punishment - it is preparation.
On the days where you feel like everything is going wrong, keep going.
Keep choosing the small things. Keep choosing to show up. Keep trusting that something is shifting beneath the surface, even though you cannot see it. God works in silence. None of your prayers are up in void. He hears you. He sees you and he is moving you. You are becoming grounded. One day you will look back and say, ‘Wow, this is what I prayed for.’
Love,
Me - With Patience
The Encounters
Travel day hit harder than I expected. My anxiety was at an all‑time peak for no real reason — same route, same airline, same destination I’ve flown countless times. If you have anxiety, you know that moment when you’re stuck in your head, counting breaths and trying to ground yourself. I had to remind myself to - Pause. Breathe. And soak it all in.
My first flight from my hometown to Dallas was… chaotic in the best way. I sat next to two very hungover youngin’s from Iowa who were far too curious about my job and asked roughly a thousand questions. They kept me laughing the whole flight, and without even knowing it, they pulled me out of what could’ve been a full‑blown panic attack. The second leg — Dallas to Albuquerque — was the opposite. I ended up between a married couple who didn’t speak a single word to each other. When we landed, I silently prayed for them and whatever they were carrying.
After landing, I grabbed my rental car, checked into the hotel, DoorDashed dinner, and melted into the bed. Hotel bedding has a chokehold on me. I was exhausted and so ready to sleep, reset, and start the week fresh.
Over the next few days, I walked locations, watched team routines, and observed client flow. I’m a Portfolio Program Manager — that’s the technical title, but it’s more than that. I get to connect with teams, hear their stories, watch them impact clients at every stage of life. I take what I learn, collaborate with design, and help shape spaces that reflect our future, support our teams, and welcome our clients. I get to be a part of making the brand real in spaces that inspire pride, spark connection, and shape our future - The Brand, Built.
This trip included two new locations and two recently completed ones. The new ones welcomed me with open arms — making sure I had what I needed, offering lunch recommendations, chatting with me throughout the day. Even though I’m not part of their market, they treated me like one of their own. That meant more than they know. The remodeled locations - They cheered when I walked in. They had goodie bags waiting — candy, travel essentials, market swag. They asked about my flights, checked if I needed anything, and then gave me their feedback on the space. (Spoiler: they love it. Duh.)
When it was time to head home, my first flight was next to a girl who I’m pretty sure was a first‑time traveler. Overalls, cowboy boots, straw hat, shooting‑range ear muffs as earplugs and she recorded the entire descent. Not in a mocking way, this genuinely made me smile. It reminded me of my first flight as a kid, when takeoff and landing felt like magic. We forget that sometimes. My second flight - A whole row to myself. At 10 p.m., after a full day of work and travel, that felt like winning the lottery. I stretched out, opened my book, and read until we touched down.
Now that I’m home and reflecting on the week, the highlight wasn’t the work or the travel, it was seeing a roadrunner for the first time. He walked right up behind me, made a popping sound, sprinted off (fast AF), and hopped into a tree. My heart grew with happiness. I called my mom, texted my best friend, and ran inside to tell the team. They shrugged because they see him every day, but for me, it was quite an experience. Again, the small things really are the big things.
Travel has a way of revealing the quiet spaces we often rush past — the strangers who steady us without knowing, the teams who welcome us like family, the small wonders that spark childlike joy. This week reminded me that life isn’t measured by the big milestones alone, but by the tiny moments that soften us, shape us, and pull us back to gratitude. This is the season I’m in, and I’m learning to embrace it fully — finding grace in every gap along the way.
Pump the Brakes
Today is Easter - He has Risen
Today symbolizes fresh start. New beginnings, and letting go of what was.
I travel out for work today and every time I do, something shifts.
Sitting in my assigned seat on the plane, it allows me to take it all in, sit back, and just think, ‘Wow, this is my life.’
This time allows me to pump the brakes, slow down, and realize all of these little daily activities add up to the bigger moments.
Moments like this, of sitting in a prayer I once prayed for. Traveling for work was always a goal, and now here I am, seated in 23D, headed to Albuquerque for a few site visits.
We move so fast through life to get to the next destination, accomplish the next goal, live in the next season of life, that we forget to actually be where we are currently. There is so much here. In the present day moment.
Maybe it is the quietness of a hotel room
Maybe it is the silent thoughts during a solo dinner
Maybe it is the experience of a new environment
Maybe it is the fact that I am not rushing (unless my airline terminal gets changed last minute)
Being alone in a new space is different than being alone in your normal space.
I notice things I typically overlook. Like how the morning truly feels. The pace of my own thoughts. The routines I complete throughout my days.
I have to remind myself to - Pause. Breathe. And soak it all in.
The feeling of the wind combing through my hair. The sunshine’s warmth kissing my skin. The sound of birds singing their songs while I sip my morning coffee and plan out my day.
Again, being in a new space reminds me to move with intention, live in the moment, and appreciate everything that God is doing for me right now.
Gentle Reminder:
There is a purpose of your life and every encounter that crosses your path.
The places we are, we are meant to be at. The people we meet, bring a lesson or a blessing into out lives.
If you get the chance, take a step out of your normal. Visit a new destination and take it all in. What do you see, hear and feel?
If you don’t have the chance to step away - wherever you are right now, don’t rush through it.
Don’t skip ahead to the next chapter. Don’t overlook what is right in front of you.
You will look back on this moment, this chapter, and realize this was part of the journey to get to the life that you have been praying for.
Over the next few days, I am going to be truly intentional on this trip. Hyperaware of my surroundings, conversations, interactions, feelings and report back with a reflection. Stay tuned.
The build up. The Gap.
Grace in the Gap
Steady in Your Singleness
Move with Intent & Live with Purpose
Somewhere along the way in my young life, I embodied the thought that love is the destination. I don’t want to blame it on the fairytales told in movies and books, but they are really convincing. I believed that when I found ‘the one’, everything would finally piece together and make sense. A spouse, a life partner, a PIC (partner in crime) would complete me and make my life whole.
That was never the truth. Again… just a fairytale. A made up story with a high expectation.
Now, I do believe every woman is a man’s missing rib. So yes, a little contradictory, but hear me out.
You are whole with or without someone by your side. You have a life to live and if you don’t live it because you are in a season of waiting, you are going to miss out on experiences, connections, and finding little parts of you that you have never known.
We rush into relationships because we think we are missing something.
We settled because we are tired of waiting.
We lose ourselves because we are trying to force and build a foundation with someone, against God’s will, that will only end up cracking.
Singleness is not a gap - it is a purpose
Singleness is a season where God is:
Building your identity
Strengthening your standards
Setting healthy boundaries
Healing what you have tried hiding and burying
Teaching you how to stand on your own
He is showing you that alone - you know the depth of your soul, the strength of your mind, and the capacity of your heart. Being single will teach you lessons that no relationship ever could.
No distractions
No one to fill the silence
No one to help you avoid your mind or reality
Just you and God
At first, its uncomfortable, especially if you have been in a long-term relationship or always had someone close by.
You start to notice the quiet more. Overthinking kicks into overdrive. Habits are shown. Parts of you that you have been avoiding are coming to light.
Don’t run - lean into it
Enjoy your own company. Dance with your dog in the kitchen. Pick up a book to read. Create routines that make you feel successful throughout your day. Go with the flow instead of always being ‘ON’. This will allow you to protect your energy. Recharge your internal battery. Realign with life - your life. And slowly, you start to feel steady. Grounded.
The quiet allows your to hear God.
Make your space a place of peace
Make your routines intentional
Make your time meaningful. 4am is beautiful - just to let you know
One day, someone is going to step into your life and they might disrupt your newly found routines, but it won’t feel chaotic. It will feel peaceful. That is God saying, ‘you did the work to build the foundation, so here is your home.’
‘And in Christ you have been brought to fullness.’ (Colossians 2:10)
Grace in the Gap
Your Place in Line
NEXT!
What if you knew where you stood in line with God?
Not the full plan, or every detail… just a number in line.
Whether its to meet the love of your life, to get married, pregnant, or cross into heaven. What would you do?
Be honest - would you slow down and trust God, or would you start rushing to get to said destination faster?
I feel like most of us would rush to speed things up. We would start counting, analyzing, and trying to control every interaction and encounter to get to our number. Each encounter would lose meaning, it would just become a number - a count down. And if they weren’t the number we were seeking, we would most likely dismiss them too quickly, or force something that was never meant to be, just to check off a number to get to the next.
But thats God’s timing for you - it doesn’t happen on our timeline or from our sense of urgency.
Every person, connection, encounter, place, and moment in time has a purpose in our lives…not just the desired destination.
What if number 3 was sent to you, to teach you boundaries? What if number 5 was sent to mentor you in business to grow your career and add stability? What if number 9 was sent to prepare your heart for number 10 that no one else could?
If we rush through the line and try skipping ahead, we risk missing the life lessons that prepare us for who or what we have been praying for.
Instead of asking, ‘How far away am I?” The better question is…
“Am I being prepared properly for what is meant for me?”
When you finally encounter the destination you have been praying for - you will find peace, calmness, and understanding.
You won’t need to force it, rush it, or question it.
[You will be ready on God’s timing.
And it will be ready for you.]
I’d like to share a verse that is near and dear to my heart. I reference it any time I need a gentle reminder to slow down and trust the Lord Almighty has a plan for me.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not unto your own understanding. In all the ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”(Proverbs 3:5-6)
It is unfortunate that we make up scenarios in our minds. We don’t mean to, but the mind is a powerful thing.
The need to figure out where we are at in God’s line is because we are trying to control and we are leaning on our own understanding.
Trying to predict
Trying to control
Trying to get to number 10 quicker
But God never asked us to figure it out - He asked us to trust Him and lean on Him.
“…In all the ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.”
Not rush your paths
Not skip steps
Not manipulate encounters
DIRECT them
Every person you meet. Every delay, every lesson, is already a fundamental part of His direction.
Pause. Breathe. Pray. Trust.
Grace in the Gap
Closing the Gap
Healing is not linear.
Some days you will feel strong, motivated, and full of hope. Other days, old memories will sneak in and remind you of the life you once thought you were building. Healing happens in the small, quiet choices you make every single day. The days you show up when you don’t feel like it. The days you choose growth over comfort. The days you give yourself grace instead of criticism.
Some days will feel heavy. Others will feel light. And most days, fall somewhere in between - on autopilot. But every day and every step forward, no matter how small, matters. You are in a season of rebuilding, so be patient with yourself. You are not behind. You are not broken beyond repair. You are becoming.
My healing is going on four years now, and I still have a mixture of good and bad days. Memories will creep in every so often. Envy and sadness sometimes consume me. So I wanted to talk through what has helped me throughout my years of healing.
Now, healing looks different for everyone. These are just little additions to my life I incorporated to help me move through the chaos and rebuild my life so I didn’t just sit in my emotions and waste away. These helped me grow and develop, to better myself for my next relationship and for the relationship within myself.
Consistency in the gym - I have always been a gym girly. I use to compete in national competitions, but I needed to find a good balance. The last show I did in 2021, my ex and I were still together and that was a way for me to run from reality and focus on something other than our relationship that was crumbling in my hands. To move forward, I wanted to build a consistent routine that showcased a good balance of being healthy in the gym, but also healthy in the mind. I didn’t want to just live in the gym to escape reality.
Personal development readings - This was a big one for me because I was not a reader. When I started, it took me months to read one book, but then I connected the topics that peaked my interested and now I am up to 1-2 books per month.
Top reads for me:
The 5 Love Languages - This is a book I will swear by. I truly believe everyone needs to understand their love language, their partners love language, and how to show up in both.
Relationship Goals - I could not put this one down. It shows you how to build a healthy relationship and lasting love.
Present Over Perfect - I have read and re-read this one - I always come back to it. It talks about Grace - enough said (wink).
My Bible - I am going to be honest with you, I don’t pick this up as much as I should. Reading the Bible is hard for me, but when I do open it, it ALWAYS speaks to me and shows me exactly what I needed to see.
Formed new habits -
Running - I love the runners aesthetic, especially since I was a lifter for years. Great way to get out of your head and move your body
Writing - Hi, hello, glad you are here
Dancing - This girl loves to two-step. What more do you need in life than country music, friends, laughter, and a cute pair of boots
Cooking - Branching out from my typical meal prepped food. Food is intimidating for me, so this has helped get me out of my comfort zone…just a little
Networking - For work, I am involved in a Business Women’s group and it has been very rewarding. I have experienced things I don’t think I would have had the opportunity to do without this group. I have met amazing women that are now a huge part of my life - a sister hood.
Travel - Now most of my travel is for work, but I have never been a traveler, so I will take it. Check it off as a win for me. The places I get to visit have given me a full heart because I get to meet new people, see new places, and experience new things… all because the work I do. As I have said countless of times before - I am a career woman. I bury myself in my work and to be able to look back and reflect on everything that has come to fruition makes me smile.
Church - I stepped away from my faith when my split first happened. I could not believe God would allow something so devastating to happen to me, but after some time passed and I reflected on the event, I understood He had to allow it because I would have not walked away. He truly had to break my heart and rip away the life I built with this man to shake me, and wake me up to see I was not in a place where I should be. When I stepped back into the church, I felt relief. I felt peace and calmness. I remember walking up to the alter, shaking, hugging my prayer partner and just laying it all out there - leaving it at the alter. I was called that day to just release the pain and give it all to Him. I haven’t looked back since.
This last one is a little unconventional, but I rescued a pup. I lost my soul dog Beemer in 2024. I had him since he was 5 weeks old and he fit in the palm of my hand. He was with me through college, moving two states, my engagement, my split, and a medical emergency. When I lost him I did not plan on getting a new dog any time soon, but I should have known that God had another plan for me and he knew my heart needed that hole to be filled. One day as I was driving to work, Mr Finn walked across the road right in front of my Jeep. He was matted, stinky, and underneath all of that…skin and bones. He ran straight to me and we have been attached at the hips since. He has brought so much joy and liveliness into my life that without him, it would have been silent. He gives me purpose and strength every day. He makes me laugh and gives me that urge ( I know you know this one) the urge that you just want to squeeze the heck out of them because they are just too dang cute! I have realized though that when I pray to God for a man obsessed with me… I need to be more specific on species. I was praying for a (human) man, but a received the most loyal and loving boy dog. God’s got jokes.
Again, these are all things that have helped me in my healing journey. I am not telling you to go out and adopt all the animals, but I do support that idea! However, little daily additions will build up a lifetime of happiness. Focus on yourself during this time. Build your mind, your body, and self-love. God wants you to look inside and love yourself before introducing you to your life partner. You cannot truly love and show up for someone else if you do not love and show up for yourself first.
Little by little, the choices you make are rebuilding your life. One day, you will look around and realize you didn’t just survive your heartbreak, your grew through it. You will start to feel more like yourself again.
Stronger
Wiser
Grounded
‘Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning.’ (Book of Lamentations 3:22-23).
Daily Habits. Small Steps. Healing over time.
Grace in the Gap
Did I Take a Wrong Turn?
Have you ever caught yourself smiling at someone else’s good news (you should)…while quietly battling your own mind, wondering when it will finally be your turn? I know I spoke about this previously, but this is a reoccurring thought that stays top of mind when everything slows down at the end of a busy day.
Scrolling Facebook & Instagram, looking at all the milestones being celebrated:
Engagements
Weddings
Pregnancy Announcements
Family Vacations (Its currently Spring Break)
Holiday Traditions (social media hiatus time)
All of this is happening around you, while there you are - genuinely happy for them - yet you are carrying a silent ache in your own heart.
I have wrestled with a feeling I didn’t want to admit for a long time - Selfishness - or at least, thats what I understood it to be.
How can I be joyful for others and still feel sad for myself at the same time? How can I celebrate their answered prayers while mine still feel like they are floating somewhere between heaven and silence? Even learning my ex is moving forward into his life, the life I prayed for and was planning with him, stirred emotions I didn’t know how to name.
Not anger
Not resentment
Just the quiet, repetitive question that kept circling back, ‘God… when will it be my turn?’
The guilt sinks in, even thinking that.
I always tell myself to flip the script and be thankful & grateful for what I have and what has yet to come in my life. I should have more faith and trust God’s timing… stop questioning the process.
My realization - Longing is not the same thing as selfishness.
Desiring love, partnership, and a family doesn’t make me ungrateful, it makes me human.
You can hold joy for other’s blessings while still praying for yours. Faith doesn’t mean pretending the ache isn’t there. It means bringing the ache honestly before God. Some days your prayers will sound like gratitude and other days no words will come out, just tears.
If you currently find yourself clapping for others, while quietly wiping away your own tears - you are not being selfish. You are being hopeful. You are longing. And you are human. Your deepest desire and your most heart felt prayer will soon be answered. Please remember this - Not one prayer goes to him and comes back void. He hears all. He sees all. Your prayers are not unheard - the way he answers your prayers are up to him. It might not be exactly what we are expecting, but he will answer - on his timeline.
Even in the waiting season, God has not forgotten you and he placed that desire on your heart for a reason.
’The lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.’ (Psalms 34:18).
Don’t give up. Don’t change course. Your turn is not absent - it is unfolding.
Grace in the Gap
Step Forward
Keeping it simple tonight because I heard a reminder that I felt deeply & wanted to share -
“Have patience with yourself
Nobody got better overnight
You will get to where you are destined to be in due time
Every day that you have survived, is a step forward
Waking up to a new day is a blessing
you have survived many tough days that you truly thought you wouldn’t”
Be proud. Keep pushing forward. Keep breathing & praying
He is watching & listening
Grace in the Gap
A Permanent Reminder
Do you ever just need a reminder of how strong you really are? Of how much space you are allowed to take up in this world?
I’m about to open my deepest wound with you, so be gentle.
After my split, I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere.
I allowed one man to dictate my worth and value in ways I didn’t even realize at the time.
I convinced myself that if he couldn’t choose me… then no one would.
But that wasn’t true.
People choose me every single day
I choose myself every single day
And most importantly — God chooses me every single day
For a long time, I sat in a very dark place. I wasn’t myself and lived in my emotions longer than I should have. I truly believed he would come back, and that all I needed to do was be patient. He did come back… but only when it was convenient for him and if I’m being honest, I allowed that cycle to reoccur more than once.
Until one day I realized choosing myself meant losing him for good.
He wasn’t just a chapter in my story — he was six.
But those chapters are now closed.
During my healing, people would ask what happened. I always felt like I needed to explain my side, justify the pain, make sense of the ending. But the truth is, sometimes there isn’t a clean explanation.
Life happens
People grow apart
Paths separate
What hurt the most wasn’t just losing him, it was questioning my worth. I wrestled with the thought of how I could be “good enough” to be proposed to… but not “good enough” to be committed to in the end.
People would try to comfort me by saying, “At least it happened before the wedding.” And logically, I understand that.
But emotionally? Part of me would have rather been chosen — even for a season — than feel completely discarded before it ever began. That kind of rejection stays with you.
For years, I quietly carried the belief that I just wasn’t enough. Until one day… something shifted.
I realized I wasn’t rejected because I lacked value. I was redirected because our story had an expiration date and I would have sat in that chapter until the very end. God knew better and had to turn the page for me.
God closed those chapters because our lessons had been learned.
He came into my life to teach me how to open my heart — but also to teach me what I will and will not accept in love. He showed me the importance of boundaries, self-respect, and emotional safety. And I came into his life to show him what deep, unconditional love looks like and that even though you grew up a certain way, and things happened in your parents marriage… you can break that cycle. You are not them.
Sometimes we are stepping stones in each other’s growth. That doesn’t make the love less real, it just means the season had an ending.
On my left hand, just beneath my ring finger, I have the word “Enough” tattooed. A simple reminder I carry with me every day.
It symbolizes that even though my engagement ended, my worth did not.
It reminds me that I am already whole, chosen, and enough.
And one day, that same finger will wear a ring again — not to complete me, but to represent a love that is aligned, mutual, and meant to last. A love where I am not questioned…but fully chosen. Even if that love I desire takes years, or potentially does not happen in this life time, I know that I am enough. The people in my daily life shows me that. They make me feel seen, chosen, and valued.
God made me. He placed me here in this lifetime, this journey, and it is playing out just the way he had intended. He did not create me or you to live a life to feel empty. He created us for a purpose and I can tell you that there is more to experience in life than sorrow from a person who fumbled you.
There is still time, God’s time.
You are not behind
You are Enough
You are loved
Have Grace in the Gap
Who is That in the Mirror?
Have you ever walked by a mirror, then stopped because the reflection you saw was not what you were expecting?
Now, I am not talking about a bad hair day, or one of those, dang girl, you look good,’ moments. I am talking about the moment where you stop…and stare… because you genuinely do not recognize the person looking back at you.
Obviously, as we grow older and the years pass by, our physical features change. That is part of becoming the man or woman that God intended us to be. However, we all know that life throws some curveballs at us that just tests our limits and changes who we are.
Divorce
Breakup
Career change
Loss of someone close
Moving somewhere new
Pregnancy
Marriage
Major life shifts like these have a quiet way of unraveling the identity you once felt so sure about.
In a matter of three years, my entire life shifted.
I walked away from a career I started when I was seventeen - a career I truly believed I would retire from one day. I got engaged to the man I thought was the love of my life…but he left five months before our wedding.
I won’t air dirty laundry or talk ill about anyone that has crossed my path in life because I truly believe everyone enters our lives for a reason, season, blessing, or lesson. But, the truth is, he broken my heart. Not just a little crack…the kind of heartbreak that shatters something deep inside of you.
The identity that I had been building for my entire 30 years of life was suddenly gone. Just poof.
It took nearly a year before I realized something needed to change. I had to look myself in the mirror and admit that the life I thought I was building no longer existed. That identity was gone, and it was time to rebuild. It was time to become the person God actually created me to be.
Over the next few years I really struggled. In fact, they were some of the hardest I have ever had to walk through. But I made the decision to be intentional about healing. I learned something important during that time: I needed to feel my emotions…but I could not live in the forever…So I started doing the work.
I took classes
Read personal development books - A lot!
Journaled
Spoke to a therapist
I leaned heavily into my faith
And eventually, I rededicated my life to God
Ironically, I was washed and made new, on one of the hardest days I had to face. The date that represented the day we were supposed to say, I Do.’ Full circle a year later, I gave myself back to God instead. And that decision changed everything. My life became about ME again and not what I had lost.
Healing is a strange thing. Healing doesn’t happen all at once, it happens slowly, quietly, and in moments you don’t always notice right away. I still have days that feel heavy. Memories flood in, I avoid certain places, and I have self doubt. One day you realize the memories don’t hurt as much, your laughter comes back, and you wake up one morning with the weight that you have been carrying feeling lighter.
Eventually, you will walk by that same mirror again. But this time, you stop…stare…and you aren’t confused anymore. You recognize the person staring back at you.
I smiled when I saw her.
She was not my final version, because God isn’t finished with my story.
She is stronger than the woman that once stood there.
She is more resilient. She is more grounded in who God created her to be. And she isn’t pretending the past didn’t happen… she is allowing it to help shape who she is becoming.
You didn’t lose yourself. You are being rebuilt. You are still becoming…
Windows Down, Heart Open
You know the moment you pull into your driveway, shut off the engine, and just sit…
Your day is coming to an end, your mind is racing, and then all of a sudden it just stops.
You feel the pressure and weight of whatever is holding you back, deep in your chest.
Some days it is pure silence and just needing to take in that simple moment. And other days, you just break.
My car has seen more of me than most people ever will. It is where I learned to be honest with God - no hold backs.
It is where I prayed with a heavy heart
It is where I whispered ‘Thank You'
It is where I questioned everything
It is where I asked, ‘Do You even hear me?’
Panic attacks
Tears streaming down my cheeks
Hands pounding the steering wheel
Screaming because I thought the louder I was, God would pay more attention
Begging for guidance, a sign, for relief.
Even with slightly tinted windows, I felt hidden. Protected. Like no one could see the unraveling that was happening inside the vehicle. But God did.
Grief - it comes in waves and will hit you like a ten-pound truck going 100 miles down the highway
Healing - it is not linear. You will have highs and you will have lows.
Faith - isn’t always polished.
Prayer - isn’t always pretty.
Some days you will want to thank God and other days you want to scream at Him and ask Him why His silence is so loud.
Some days you will feel carried and other days you will feel forgotten.
Sitting in that driver’s seat - raw & unfiltered. I think thats what He prefers.
Not the pretty, structured prayers I say at the dinner table.
Not the calm, collected version of myself in public.
Not the girl who claims she is ‘good’, while wearing a fake smile.
Just the messy middle.
Here is what I have learned:
God isn’t intimidated by your yelling
He isn’t offended by your questions
He isn’t shocked by your grief
He would rather have your raw heart than your rehearsed words
No matter where you sit, or how often you have moments where you break…just remember, you are human.
If you have a space where you feel protected and hidden, where is it?
'“Pour your heart to Him, for God is our refuge” (Psalms 62:8).
Windows Down. Heart Open. Still Becoming.
Grace in the Gap
The Pressure of the Timeline
Tick…Tick…Tick. The sound of my life clock that use to replay over and over again in my head.
Another day gone and I am still the same ole same ole.
What’s wrong with me?
Why are my prayers going unanswered?
God, do you even hear me?
If you had asked younger me whether I would believe that at 35 I would be single, without kids, and still living in the same town I grew up in - I would have laughed in your face. Not a chance. If you know me, I am a visionary. I constantly dream about my future and what steps I can take in order to make my dreams become reality. All through my years growing up, I thought I took all the right steps, did all the right things, and I even moved states!
So what the heck happened?! Lessons…life lessons.
The life I envisioned looked like this:
Graduate college
Start my dream career
Married by 25
Homeowners
Kids shortly after
Growing old together. Watching our children run through an open field while we sip coffee on the porch, listening to the birds chirp.
Ahhhh, the good life.
I have no idea where I got that timeline from, or why I believed it had to happen exactly that way, but I clung to it. I was determined to make it unfold, just like I had planned. And then it didn’t… God had other plans and a completely different timeline.
I had to take a moment to reflect on some of the accomplishments I have achieved throughout my life so far.
Today’s Wins:
I am an baddie aunt to two amazing humans
I have survived things that I could have let bury me
Landed my dream career, that allows me to travel and meet new people
I have a fur child that loves me wholeheartedly - Next time I need to be more specific about species when I pray to God for a loyal, obsessed man (wink)
I have family and friends that truly love me for me
A house over my head, financial stability to provide, a vehicle to get me to and from, etc.
These might not look like my life list, but this is life and I am truly thankful & blessed for what I have.
Now that I have surpassed that timeline and have only checked a single milestone off, that means I am behind in life, right? WRONG!
Who sets the expiration date to our dreams? Why do we allow comparison and envy to amplify the clock ticking? Every milestone I had on my list that a friend got to check off, was confirmation that I had missed my window.
Here is what I am learning - The timeline was never mine to control.
There is a verse the replaced the ticking in my mind and I can honestly say, I love this being stuck in my head:
”Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).
My understanding:
You are behind
You are late
You should be further
You will not live a full life
God’s understanding:
You are being prepared
You are being protected
You are being positioned
You will fulfill your life’s purpose
The delay isn’t a denial. The waiting isn’t punishment.
The gap is the space between what we pray for & what we receive. The space between longing & fulfillment. The space between heartbreak & healing. The space between who we are & who we are becoming.
Lesson learned: I would rather walk in God’s timing than sprint towards something I forced.
You are not behind… You are being built.
Grace in the Gap.
Seasons Change, & So Will You…
Sometimes it feels like nothing is moving and you are just stuck in the same place. For years I was putting in the work, but nothing in my life was shifting… or so I thought.
Looking back, I don’t regret my past life. None of it was wasted. Shoot - without it, I wouldn’t be here, typing this out for you to read.
The career I had for thirteen years, shaped my managerial foundation and brought many wonderful people and opportunities into my life. The guy I was engaged to taught me so much about love - the boundaries and values I desire in a relationship. The small town I lived in where I felt so secluded gave me peace, but also curiosity. The self-doubt, trying to fit in, and hiding behind a fake smile - it just was not me. I stripped all of that like an old outfit and changed into something new, and slowly becoming someone more fitting.
I landed my dream job. Still single, but embracing it and building the life I envision. I don’t need a man to have land and horses, but don’t forget, my biggest life desire is to be a wife, I can’t wait to see what he looks like and if he can keep up with my sass (wink). I travel. I say ‘Yes’ more to things I would normally say ‘No’ to. I dress for myself and have fun doing it. Trust me, a good outfit and fresh spray tan can make any woman happy.
For a long time, I carried armor and built walls around my heart to protect myself from rejection, disappointment, and being abandoned again. I thought hiding behind my strength and pushing away anyone that got close, I would be safe. But in doing so, I kept out friendships, love, opportunities, adventure, growth, and of course…healing. I have learned that the true strength isn’t in the armor we wear - it is taking it off. It is allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open. It is about trusting that God is surrounding you and protecting you, not your walls.
Just like seasons change as the year goes on, your season of waiting will eventually change into growth, clarity, and fulfillment. The challenge is embracing the pause and sitting in the silence. The years past, I was impatient, restless, comparing, and holding myself to outrageously high standards. I can now say that I am learning patience, becoming resilient, and letting my walls come down which allows me to open up to who I am becoming and shed the version of who I was.
Shifts I made in my Waiting Season -
Importance of boundaries - This is about protecting my peace and energy
Communication isn’t about just the answer, it is about listening to understand
Love Languages and how loving your partner in their love language rather than yours can drastically change how they love you back. It might push you out of your comfort zone, but I promise, it is worth it. That full love tank is magical
Build the life you want now, even if you are single. You are a strong, independent person and when God presents you with your other half, it is only going to become stronger and even more beautiful
‘When two people love, serve, and grow together in Christ, their relationship doesn’t just survive - it bears fruit in joy, purpose, and shared life’. (Psalm 128:3)
Ask yourself:
What season of life am I in right now and what is it teaching me about myself?
What small steps can I take today to grow into the person God is shaping me to be?
What lessons or experiences am I grateful for, even if they no longer serve me?
If you are in a season that feels long, uncomfortable, or uncertain - have faith that change is happening and everything is about to shift. Focus forward, not back.
Grace in the Gap
I don’t have this figured out. I am still becoming…
I don’t have this figured out. I am still becoming
For the past four years, I have been in my waiting season.
Not stuck
Not failing
Not succeeding
Not thriving
Just…waiting.
That sounds dark, lonely, and lets be honest, lowkey sad. However, the waiting season does not have to be any of those descriptions. It will be at some point, but not the full length. My waiting season started off very dark. There were moments where it felt heavy and confusing, but eventually there was light at the ‘end’ of my tunnel. I type end with quotes because I am still navigating this season and end sounds so finalized, yet I am only beginning.
The waiting season - I would love to say it isn’t as bad as it sounds, but I am going to be honest with you, it is truly what you make of it. The effort you put into it and the self reflection you do while in it is what shapes you.
I am still in it. Still learning. Still becoming.
Here are a few things this season has taught me so far:
It is a season, and seasons change. YOU WILL CHANGE - I will write more about this in the next section. Hold tight.
It takes time, and again, effort
Your journey is about YOU & no one else. Comparison and envy will rob you of your peace and growth faster than anything.
You will shed a version of you. The woman I was four years ago could not step into the doors that are opening now. Waiting requires dropping the weight you carry and taking a seat at the tables you are meant to sit at.
Prayers will be endless and it will seem like God is silent. Silence does not mean absence. Even when I don’t see movement, I trust that he is guiding, shaping, and preparing me for what has yet to come.
If I am being completely transparent, the hardest part of this season has been comparison & understanding.
I am 35. Not married. No kids.
I have a stable career. A wild and overly attached fur child.
A beautiful life I am grateful for in many ways.
But I don’t want to be known as just a career driven woman. My deepest desire is to be a wife. To build a family. To create a home filled with love, faith, laughter, and stability.
I watch my friends get engaged, married, announce pregnancies. I celebrate with them wholeheartedly, but then the quiet question creeps in: when will it be my turn? That question has stretched me more than anything else. Remember, waiting isn’t punishment - it is preparation. This gap between prayers & fulfillment is where I am being built into the woman who can sustain what she is praying for.
If you are in your waiting season too, whatever you are waiting for, I hope this space reminds you of two things:
You are not behind
You are being built
Welcome to Grace in the Gap