The Pressure of the Timeline
Tick…Tick…Tick. The sound of my life clock that use to replay over and over again in my head.
Another day gone and I am still the same ole same ole.
What’s wrong with me?
Why are my prayers going unanswered?
God, do you even hear me?
If you had asked younger me whether I would believe that at 35 I would be single, without kids, and still living in the same town I grew up in - I would have laughed in your face. Not a chance. If you know me, I am a visionary. I constantly dream about my future and what steps I can take in order to make my dreams become reality. All through my years growing up, I thought I took all the right steps, did all the right things, and I even moved states!
So what the heck happened?! Lessons…life lessons.
The life I envisioned looked like this:
Graduate college
Start my dream career
Married by 25
Homeowners
Kids shortly after
Growing old together. Watching our children run through an open field while we sip coffee on the porch, listening to the birds chirp.
Ahhhh, the good life.
I have no idea where I got that timeline from, or why I believed it had to happen exactly that way, but I clung to it. I was determined to make it unfold, just like I had planned. And then it didn’t… God had other plans and a completely different timeline.
I had to take a moment to reflect on some of the accomplishments I have achieved throughout my life so far.
Today’s Wins:
I am an baddie aunt to two amazing humans
I have survived things that I could have let bury me
Landed my dream career, that allows me to travel and meet new people
I have a fur child that loves me wholeheartedly - Next time I need to be more specific about species when I pray to God for a loyal, obsessed man (wink)
I have family and friends that truly love me for me
A house over my head, financial stability to provide, a vehicle to get me to and from, etc.
These might not look like my life list, but this is life and I am truly thankful & blessed for what I have.
Now that I have surpassed that timeline and have only checked a single milestone off, that means I am behind in life, right? WRONG!
Who sets the expiration date to our dreams? Why do we allow comparison and envy to amplify the clock ticking? Every milestone I had on my list that a friend got to check off, was confirmation that I had missed my window.
Here is what I am learning - The timeline was never mine to control.
There is a verse the replaced the ticking in my mind and I can honestly say, I love this being stuck in my head:
”Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).
My understanding:
You are behind
You are late
You should be further
You will not live a full life
God’s understanding:
You are being prepared
You are being protected
You are being positioned
You will fulfill your life’s purpose
The delay isn’t a denial. The waiting isn’t punishment.
The gap is the space between what we pray for & what we receive. The space between longing & fulfillment. The space between heartbreak & healing. The space between who we are & who we are becoming.
Lesson learned: I would rather walk in God’s timing than sprint towards something I forced.
You are not behind… You are being built.
Grace in the Gap.
