Did I Take a Wrong Turn?
Have you ever caught yourself smiling at someone else’s good news (you should)…while quietly battling your own mind, wondering when it will finally be your turn? I know I spoke about this previously, but this is a reoccurring thought that stays top of mind when everything slows down at the end of a busy day.
Scrolling Facebook & Instagram, looking at all the milestones being celebrated:
Engagements
Weddings
Pregnancy Announcements
Family Vacations (Its currently Spring Break)
Holiday Traditions (social media hiatus time)
All of this is happening around you, while there you are - genuinely happy for them - yet you are carrying a silent ache in your own heart.
I have wrestled with a feeling I didn’t want to admit for a long time - Selfishness - or at least, thats what I understood it to be.
How can I be joyful for others and still feel sad for myself at the same time? How can I celebrate their answered prayers while mine still feel like they are floating somewhere between heaven and silence? Even learning my ex is moving forward into his life, the life I prayed for and was planning with him, stirred emotions I didn’t know how to name.
Not anger
Not resentment
Just the quiet, repetitive question that kept circling back, ‘God… when will it be my turn?’
The guilt sinks in, even thinking that.
I always tell myself to flip the script and be thankful & grateful for what I have and what has yet to come in my life. I should have more faith and trust God’s timing… stop questioning the process.
My realization - Longing is not the same thing as selfishness.
Desiring love, partnership, and a family doesn’t make me ungrateful, it makes me human.
You can hold joy for other’s blessings while still praying for yours. Faith doesn’t mean pretending the ache isn’t there. It means bringing the ache honestly before God. Some days your prayers will sound like gratitude and other days no words will come out, just tears.
If you currently find yourself clapping for others, while quietly wiping away your own tears - you are not being selfish. You are being hopeful. You are longing. And you are human. Your deepest desire and your most heart felt prayer will soon be answered. Please remember this - Not one prayer goes to him and comes back void. He hears all. He sees all. Your prayers are not unheard - the way he answers your prayers are up to him. It might not be exactly what we are expecting, but he will answer - on his timeline.
Even in the waiting season, God has not forgotten you and he placed that desire on your heart for a reason.
’The lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.’ (Psalms 34:18).
Don’t give up. Don’t change course. Your turn is not absent - it is unfolding.
Grace in the Gap
